Meet You Up In Heaven My Friend

Dear Friend,

We’ll meet again, I guarantee it. I believe we’re quite similar really. You were always hate free, you practically were the chillest gurl I’ve ever met. A whole bunch of people will miss you, including me. Why did it have to be you? I can’t imagine why God chose you, how could it have been your time? I guess life works mysteriously. The only good outcome is, you’re in a place(s) where there is no pain, drama, violence, & hate. I hope you travel well. You can now rest in peace . & wander free....

I try really hard to be a good human and not to do things that are intensely upsetting to people.

I feel like I probably fail pretty badly though, and I don’t know how to fix it cos I make the most efforts I can.

i got to the point when im sad but it doesnt feel any different
and i cant express my feelings because it feels fucking casual…

Isn’t it sad when you have been
hurt so much that you can say
“I’m used to it…”

“Dude! You just need to get your freaking shit together.
You know that, right?”

And then I realize, if I’m having that conversation with my mirror,

I’m worse off than I thought....

I used to sing all of the time to get my frustrations out,
to get rid of sadness,
to show how happy I was.
Now I rarely sing.
In fact, I can't remember the last time I sang something was.
I wonder why that is…

Oh, yeah.
Probably because I don't really know how to have emotions anymore....

18 November 2009... guess that was when i think i'm dead;

or i expired when she left the world...

And then i started rotting away at the core.

I started rotting and then i got mouldy;

and then i was just this mess for a while;

and then i was just there for a bit...

i wasn't rotting;

i wasn't mouldy;

i wasn't a mess;

i was just stuck and unaware....

And thats how i was for a while...

And sometimes it felt like i was ok and then other times it would feel wrong....

And then i started crumbling and now i'm falling apart even more....

I was already dead and that's why nothing matters

because its only a matter of time before i'm gone....

and we'll be together again...

I just hate when people tell me:
“you just feel like you’re better than everyone because you did __________”
NO!! i never feel like i’m better than anyone when i accomplish things!
i just feel that i’m better than the person I was before.

And also, i shouldn’t open my mouth to tell people what i think is good advice because they take it as if i’m telling them that they are losers when in reality i’m saying you’re better than what you’re doing right now…

So next time i’m quiet don’t ask me: why are you so quiet?…

The tough thing about following your heart is when people forget to mention that
sometimes your heart takes you to places you shouldn't be.
Places that are scary as they are exciting,
and as dangerous as they are alluring.
Sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to an happy ending....